Every Stall Tells a Story, and None Have Happy Endings
I have to ask — have people no shame anymore?
Let’s talk about workplace bathrooms. Not the usual “oops, someone’s in there” moments or awkward eye contact at the sink. I’m talking about the true bathroom horror shows — the kind that make you question humanity, plumbing, and your own will to live.
This all started because I was listening to The Howard Stern Show, and they were talking about the absolute circus happening in the corporate offices at SiriusXM.
Apparently, someone had taken what they described as a massive shit — and I mean massive, like “is that a log or an alligator?” massive. It was allegedly sticking out of the toilet water by six inches. The culprit did not flush.
And here’s where it gets weirder — there was no toilet paper. None. Not in the bowl. Not on the floor. Not even a single sad square clinging for dear life. Just the… beast. So everyone was left asking the same haunting question: How did this person wipe? Did they wipe? Or are they just walking around the office like a psychopath with shit-stained cheeks?
And this wasn’t even the first incident! Years earlier, someone had apparently gone full Jackson Pollock — decorating the bathroom walls behind the toilet. WTF…
Now, at first, I thought, “Okay, that’s SiriusXM — too many creatives, too much caffeine, too few morals.” But then I started talking about it with friends, and guess what? It’s everywhere.
I couldn’t help but share these stories with a few friends and colleagues. Apparently, government office bathrooms are not immune from destruction.
One of my former coworkers, who now works for the state, told me someone at his office straight-up dropped a load on the wall in the bathroom stall. And I am not talking about a number 2. When he asked building services to clean it, they responded and said it would take two months – at least they gave him a specific date. But two months to clean a crusty dried-up load? WTF… And yes, I saw the email myself. The man wasn’t lying. Somewhere, there is an official state record about a two-month-old load cleanup backlog. Maybe I should make a public records request for the records?
Anyway, back to my own office. Oh, we’ve had our share of bathroom villains too. There’s that one guy who left behind an odor so bad it could be used for chemical warfare. The worst part, it wasn’t what he was leaving in the toilet, it was his hygiene. You would walk into the bathroom and from many feet away, it was like getting punched by a smell. I would come to find out he knew he was repulsive and liked it. One time, the offender was in the stall, and I was using the urinal and trying not to take a deep breath. My coworker walked in and immediately yelled, “Oh my God, it stinks” and just turned right around and left. And then, from the stall… I heard laughter. LAUGHTER. I am dry heaving right now…
Like — Sir. Are you proud of yourself? Is this your legacy?
And just when I thought we’d reached rock bottom, today happened. Someone had clearly peed on the wall behind the toilet in one of the stalls — and then, in a stroke of modern art genius — stuck toilet paper to it. Like they were trying to make a point. I don’t know what that point is, but it’s disgusting and I had pee all over the sole of my shoe.
At this point, I have questions.
Do people do this at home?
Do they wake up and think, “You know what? I’ll save this one for work”?
Is this a protest? Revenge for another pointless meeting?
I’m convinced the office bathroom is where angry souls go to seek revenge — where people release years of frustration from “circle back” emails and career disappointment.
And look, I’ll admit — I’m not totally innocent. Lately, I’ve developed this petty rebellion where I pee in the urinal and don’t flush. Somewhere deep down, it feels powerful. Like, “Yeah, that’s right. You deal with that, Carl.”
But at least I’m not shitting on the walls – yet. If I ever get to that point, I’ll know I’ve completely lost touch with reality.
So yeah, if you’re wondering why your company can’t get people back into the office — it’s not the commute. It’s not the coffee. It’s not even the boss.
It may be the bathrooms.
And whoever’s out there turning them into a crime scene — seek help. If I find you— I am coming to your house and dropping a special load all over your bathroom.