Trolling Your Child by Reading 'War and Peace' at Bedtime
Parenting is a delicate balance of love, discipline, and sometimes a little bit of harmless fun. When my son is bouncing off the walls before bedtime, I try to stay calm and get him to listen to me. When that fails, I have no choice but to use a ruthless tactic that adds a hilarious twist to bedtime. I swap out his favorite children’s bedtime book with a novel, like War and Peace. Imagine the wide-eyed surprise on your child’s face as you pull out Leo Tolstoy’s 1400 plus page epic instead, of the usual book about hot wheels, dinosaurs or space. If you do it right, even your child may find the humor in it. Here’s how to master this art.
Let the Trolling Begin
First, set the stage. With your best serious face, announce that tonight’s story is a very special one. As your child snuggles in, eagerly anticipating a book about space or dinosaurs, casually reveal the hefty War and Peace. I remember the first time I did this. My son curiously asked, “are there any pictures in this book?” To which I responded, “this is not that kind of book.” The confusion starts.
Next, begin reading in your most dramatic voice, the details of Anna Pavlovna’s soiree. Watch as initial confusion turns to bemusement and then, inevitably, to utter boredom. It’s a surefire way to make your child(ren) appreciate the simplicity of their usual bedtime stories. Once your child starts to ask questions about the meaning of words or what is happening in the story, you have a few choices. You can stop every few words and try to define the words. That would be too nice. Instead, just ignore your child’s requests and continue to read loudly over his or her questions. It is absolute torture. Before long, he or she will likely be begging for the return of their beloved “Goodnight Moon” and “The Cat in the Hat.” But, you can’t stop there. You keep going for another 10 minutes. This is when you remind your child how much it sucks when someone doesn’t listen to you.
Keep it in Your Back Pocket
Of course, the key to this punishment is moderation. Reserve this tactic for those nights when you need a little comic relief or want to make a point in a humorous way.
Remember, the possibilities are endless. There are so many great books to choose from – Moby-Dick, Pride and Prejudice or even Don Quixote. All literary masterpieces, but probably not in the eyes of a child. And who knows? Maybe they’ll actually develop a curious affinity for Tolstoy. But more likely, they’ll just be happy to get back to the adventures of Clifford the Big Red Dog and think twice when warned about behaving badly.